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“Braver”: A Brave ripoff DVD liveblog - Part 1

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to “Braver”

A story about a kidnapped princess who has to “battle adversity and find courage to discover her true destiny”. This is going to be such a freaking Brave ripoff. Scottish ginger princess, green dress, forests - the full works! God, even the box art is a giveaw-

…

That’s not Scotland.

The movie begins with this fuckhead.

I can’t quite get across in words just how much he sounds like the Chipmunks if they’d smoked 40 cigarettes a day for 20 years. So much so that when he says his name, I don’t even know what he says. Darth? Dark? Dove? Something like that.

Oh wait, maybe the subtitles will have the answer!

Well, fuck. Apparently deaf people aren’t meant to enjoy this movie. That said, I don’t think they’re missing out.

Darth Tonsilitis is the narrator for our little film here, and he says he has a story for us. Cue a pan to the castle.

Ok, seriously, that is not Scotland.

Also, wtf are those towers in front of the bridge? What the fuck are they even for?

This scottish unnamed kingdom is a happy one, ruled over by the strong and…wait for it…~BRAVE~ (ha ha ha) King Ronan.

Seen here post happy sigh/quiet orgasm over just how happy and peaceful his kingdom is.

Suddenly however, evil appears, as indicated by the sudden use of Bassoon.

God, even the characters don’t look like they want to be in this movie.

Thanks to Darth Laryngitis I didn’t get this guy’s name either. Crockton? Crofton? Crotchton? Either way, he’s the viceroy, but he got his position by ~lying and cheating~ (BOOOOOOOO HISSSSSS)

His evil and lying and cheating is only emphasised by the appearance of crying Unicorns whenever he enters a room.

What’s in the scroll you may ask? We’re about to find out!

~Fling!~

What could this be? An evil recipe of some kind? No! It’s “Things the kingdom hasn’t taxed yet”. This guy is EVIL, just reiterating that.

hold up.

Sugar Plums?

Candy Canes?

Wrapping paper?

Is this a…

CHRISTMAS MOVIE?!?

Motherfucker.

However, in the middle of all this chaos sweeps in Princess Angela! The ginger, curly haired, green dress wearing princess on the cov-

OH COME ON!

Notice how her face is 1000x better drawn than anyone else’s. She’s also much smoother in her animation. This has the effect of making her some kind of freakish alien creature that the kingdom shuns for her own protection.

BUT NOT IN THE PLOT! In the plot, the Viceroy hates her because she is a pure and kind soul, whose niceness is rubbing off on the king!

Now, I’m currently 1:36 into the movie. I’m going to count the number of times the word Christmas is pointedly said TO MAKE SURE YOU KNOW IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE in the next, say, 30 seconds. GO.

…

Five times. “You can’t tax Christmas!” “It’s CHRISTMAS EVE!” “I didn’t make him a Christmas Present” etc etc.

So, to recap part one, it’s not scottish, it’s christmas.

Great.

Part 2 Here